Harry Potter and the Group of Complete Morons

October 12th, 2005

To everyone who thinks that Harry Potter is bad for kids because it supports witchcraft:

Give it a break. It’s a kid’s series — a very well written and incredibly original series — and you just look like morons to the rest of us who have a foothold in something called “reality.”

This story (thanks to Crooks and Liars for bringing it to us) is the reason behind my micro-rant. Apparently, we shouldn’t be giving candy to trick-or-treaters this year — we should be giving copies of Hairy Polarity and the Sinister Sorcery Satire, a anime-esque comic book warning children of the possibility that Harry Potter is leading them to the occult.

From the Truth for Youth website:

- A powerful and effective 32-page, full-color comic book -

In a creatively crafted fictional comic book story, Tim Todd reveals the very real dangers of sorcery and witchcraft contained within the Harry Potter series! Designed to reach Harry Potter fans. Great price break when you order quantities. For Hairy Polarity orders of any size you will also receive a bonus comic book containing three full-color stories!

Of course, if you don’t want that, you could always buy copies of “Somebody’s Monkey: The Truth about Evolution,” which basically tells us that evolution is a racist concept meant to say that Caucasians are better evolved than African Americans. They also say that all scientists who believe that creationism should be kept out of schools (because of the religious aspects involved) are really hypocrites because their religious belief of Atheism is keeping evolution in the schools, as if all scientists and science teachers are suddenly Atheists.

Additionally, right along with the religious party line, we could buy books telling us the “truth” about homosexuality and rock music. Go to the Truth for Youth website and click on the subjects to get samples of these comics. Additionally, click on the “testimonials” link and read about a young black man who read the “rock music” comic and went home to throw away all of his Spice Girls cds and posters.

Man, I wish I was making all of this up.


Comments: 3

Issues Considered: Books, Literature, Politics

Fat camp

October 12th, 2005

Yesterday I started something that I hope I can finish.

A “diet.”

Actually, it wasn’t a diet in the strict sense of the word. I’m not keeping myself from eating white flour or carbohydrates or junk food. I’m just trying to keep myself from eating too much.

I’ve gained a considerable amount of weight in the past year. I don’t like it. I feel fat, and I look pudgy, and I feel unhealthy. I may sound vain, but the reality is this: I don’t want to be that guy who used to be an average weight and then ballooned out without doing anything to stop it.

I’ve been doing some things wrong for a while now. I don’t exercise anymore (this came with being car bound and not having to ride my bike everywhere, I believe, and has been catching up with me for the past four years.) I eat until I’m stuffed instead of being healthy and eating a natural portion size. I sit in front of a computer for 60% of my job, and I sit in front of a computer for 50% of my hobbies. I have a habit of eating when I get home from work at 1:30 am and then going to sleep only an hour later, leaving the food rotting and turning into fat while I sleep. I am constantly shoving food into my mouth. I drink way too much beer.

I know exactly what I should be doing, but I’ve never had the motivation to do it. I’ve been horrible at stopping it.

Listen to me – I sound like a stereotypical Cosmo reader: “I’m so fat, nobody likes me.” I know this isn’t true. I’m not fat. I’m not morbidly obese. But I could certainly stand to lose few pounds. This will be difficult.

So I’m starting small. I’ve stopped eating when I get home and I’ve stopped eating too much. That’s a start, I guess. From here I’ll add a few more things. I’ll make time to exercise (thirty minutes a day) and I’ll start drinking light beer.

Wait, light beer?

Hmm…

Maybe some things I’ll never change.


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Issues Considered: Vilhauer

**** the Yankees

October 11th, 2005

I’m hardly a great baseball fan, yet. My allegiances are slowly shifting from the team I followed during my personal baseball renaissance (the Twins) to a team I loved growing up (the Cardinals) and a team I respect because of their general manager (Billy Beane and the A’s). I’ve got nothing to connect me to any team, really.

Still, there’s one thing I always love seeing in baseball: the Yankees going down.

200+ million in payroll? And they still can’t make it out of the first round?

At least the Red Sox had an excuse with injuries, though they couldn’t get it done with their huge payroll either.

Really, I don’t care who wins the World Series this year, as long as two things are true: there’s a great storyline involved, and the Yankees or Red Sox aren’t part of it.


Comments: 4

Issues Considered: Baseball, Sports

Underground

October 10th, 2005

After talking to Kerrie this weekend about my short time in England, and after gazing longingly at my map of the London Underground, I was reminded of this story that I had written while watching a science movie during a sub job a few years ago. I can still remember the exact smells and sounds of my first ‘tube’ trip — from Heathrow Airport to the Tower of London.

Underground, Jubliee

It was like stepping into a science fiction novel. Except I saw no aliens or space ships.

On second thought, I did see aliens and space ships.

Around me Londoners swarmed and swelled, each individual body searching for a spot closer to the tracks, milling around like a pack of ants. Ants with suitcases. And scowls.

Their cranky nature was due to two things: the lack of standing room in this Heathrow Underground station waiting room and the apparent ignorance of the London Transport System to fix the problem. But all together, they were what they were – a mass of travelers, people who had just been somewhere and now were returning (or arriving) somewhere else. And while the places they had just been were all in one way similar – they all had water, land, air, green things, life – each place was so vastly different. They all just happened to be in the same place at the same time waiting for the same tube train. I can’t think of anything stranger or more alien than that.

These tube trains! With a great whoosh a train came rocking into the station; the spaceships arrive on two rails in these parts. The waiting hoards began to get off and on. Each customer knew where they needed to be, what to do, where to get off. Except me. I hadn’t realized it until then, but I had been so caught up in being amid London’s crabbiest that I hadn’t even figured out the system. I looked around, remembering that I had never been on a train, let alone a subway car. I saw the posters and signs splattered around the tube tunnel. I took in the colors and linguistics of an Underground advertisement, thinking it was silly to advertise for something you had already paid for. I considered the Millennium Dome, a large dome that had opened much earlier in the year, as I passed a flyer telling me to “Come visit! And don’t forget to bring lots of money to spend on pewter figures and stuffed beanie animals!”

Finally, after what seemed like a ten minute trial, the crowds thinned enough to plow through. My suitcase, a fine specimen designed by Marlboro, subtly adorned with a square-foot logo and given away free to those who had smoked 700 packs of cigarettes, lumbered along behind me as I struggled to lift it into the tube car.

While the throngs of people outside had fought their way in, I considered the fact that I would have to stand for a few miles. Once I walked inside, however, I noticed something peculiar: all of those people that had shoved their way to the front of the group had disappeared. The cars are much bigger than expected. Being from a small South Dakota “city,” I had imagined everyone jumping onto a city bus, smashing and shoving the person ahead of them in an effort to gain a spot. Faces would contort against the windows as the bus driver casually waved three more people on.

This was not the case.

First of all, I was not in Sioux Falls. The public transportation was going to accommodate more than 17 people at a time.

Second of all, I was being completely blind to the enormity of a subway train. While watching the entire train pull into the stop earlier, I had foolishly assumed that the only cars were those in front of me. My mind somehow forgot the ones that had just passed. Of course, later I realized there were a lot of trains. And a lot of people.

And a lot of room.

A wee lil' tube.I sat down near the back and looked up at the train map for the Piccadilly Line. Similar to the larger Underground maps (except, obviously, singular in its focus) these smaller versions outlined the line a traveler was currently on. Each stop and crossing line is illustrated with the simplicity of the full map. They are awesome.

The train lurched forward and a gentle voice called out to me. Oh yes – the tube speaks. It reminds everyone to keep their hands away from the closing doors. It tells every captive traveler what the next stop is. It goads us into minding the gap. I want to meet the woman who recorded the “voice of the tube.” I want her to say “mind the gap” and “Marble Arch” over and over again until I fall fast asleep dreaming of the third rail and the rats (of which I only saw a few, I’ll have you know.)

Honslow Station. My “lots of room” became “a little bit of room.”

Everyone I was sitting next to had headphones on or a newspaper; sometimes both. All I had was this suitcase and a backpack. After crossing numerous time zones (and sleeping through none of them) I had arrived in London 14 hours later than I had left. Doing the math, I noticed that it was 9:30 in the morning.

Damn. Morning rush.

Acton Town Station. My little bit of room became no room at all.

Everyone I was sitting next to, I had now noticed with full awareness, was listening to the new Eminem album. I knew this because everyone I sat next to was carefully touching thighs with me. My suitcase and backpack were now sitting in front of me. I was suddenly very embarrassed about that Marlboro logo.

Hammersmith Station. People were standing now.

I felt guilty for taking up so much space. I contented myself with gazing out the window. Trees and houses whizzed by as the commuters stood unaware. It was great. I was seeing blurred versions of the backyards I had only seen on television. Little window sill gardens and eight-foot square lawns sped by. I had never wanted so little of a place until I saw these cracker box houses, all of which saw on lanes probably named after former lords and mayors. Drudyhill, or Kingfisher, or Springfulbonnet lane. I wanted to stand up and ask everyone “Why aren’t you watching this wonderful display of Englishness?”

But then I would have lost my spot. And I would have broken the eerie silence that had taken over the train car.

No one uttered a word. Faces stared straight ahead, some staring at the Guardian, some staring at the Sun, most staring at their knees. The only sound was the muffled voice of Marshal Mathers emanating from the headphones of the young adults.

Earls Court Station. People started to get off.

I looked around. I was in London. I saw the obligatory double-decker bus, once to cliché to me but now as inviting as a warm bath.

And, of course, as fate would have it, this was the station I needed to switch trains on.

I crawled out from the car and looked around. I took my first breaths of true English air. It smelled like diesel and commerce.

I had never felt so at home in my life.


Comments: 1

Issues Considered: From the Moleskin, Travel

Another writer in the house

October 6th, 2005

Sometimes I can be really selfish.

I’ve been gushing about being published in Prime magazine, and I’ve been bragging about getting a “job” at the Argus Leader, but I haven’t once talked about something I’m really proud of – someone I’m really proud of.

Kerrie, my wife, brought home her very own published work, her first magazine article and first cover story: an article in The Good Samaritan. She had jetted off to Mesa, Arizona earlier this year to write the story on a request from the national Good Samaritan center where she works here in Sioux Falls. She was gone for four days as she researched and interviewed, learning as much as she could about the Mesa center’s fitness program. She had a professional photographer, and she had “comped” meals, and she even got to go to a Phoenix Suns playoff game.

When her article showed up on the front cover last month I felt a swell of pride building up inside of me. I personally consider Kerrie the more talented of the two of us – she’s the one with the interpersonal skills, the organizational techniques, and the clearer conscience – and it was exciting to see something that she had worked so hard on, something that was so good, featured on a national level.

I know that I sometimes act a little self-centered, and I realize that it’s not exactly my most endearing quality. It’s not that I don’t give credit where credit is due. It’s just that sometimes I only think of the things that affect me personally.

I’d be lying, however, if I said I wasn’t proud of Kerrie, if not even a little jealous. I’m proud of her for accepting a job that really challenges her, and even more for accepting an assignment that took her completely out of her comfort zone and sent her off on her own. I’m proud of her for being a great writer – for putting together an article that really shows the passion and strength of those involved with the fitness program in Mesa. I’m proud of her for having a byline in a fancy glossy magazine.

Most of all, however, I’m sorry that I haven’t said enough to this point.


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Issues Considered: Vilhauer, Writing

Rocky, eat your heart out

October 5th, 2005

Thanks to Scott Hudson over at Rant-A-Bit by Scott Hudson (who ragged on the Sioux Falls minor league teams today, unfortunately) for bringing this awesome movie to us.

Rocky VI

The grocery store will never be the same.

My favorite part is the guy running after him after he takes his soda.

Awesome.


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Issues Considered: Random

This is why…

October 5th, 2005

…I hate Pistons fans.

Check out this article. Amaze your friends with this paragon of stupidity.

Then, root for the Pacers like you should.

Sure, the team’s a bunch of thugs, but at least its fans aren’t complete morons.

(And any comments about me in response to that you can keep to yourselves.)


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Issues Considered: Basketball, Sports