Grow this

October 21, 2007


I just came across a pet peeve of mine while proofing a client’s annual report.

A sentence referring to the current branding efforts of this client included the phrase, “…as well as message to consumers the scope and significance…”

Message to customers? As in, you’re messaging to them? You’re in the act of messaging?

It’s a pet peeve, yes. It’s also grammatically incorrect. Unfortunately, I can’t change it, as it’s part of the client’s “style.” So instead, I bring you this short message.

You can not message to customers. You can not effort a response. You can not leverage a better deal. And you especially can not grow your business.

Message, effort and leverage are nouns. They are things. They are not verbs. They are not actions. You can send a message to customers, but you can not message to them. You can make an effort at getting a response, but you can not effort a response. And only in very rare cases of financial law can you leverage something - otherwise, you can use your guiles to attempt to gain leverage in a deal.

Finally - you can not grow a business. It is simply something you can not DO to something. It is an action that the subject can only do to itself.

Some examples. You don’t grow corn; you plant corn, and the corn grows. You create an idea, and the idea grows into something bigger. Most importantly, you provide the necessary resources to help your business grow - but you do not grow it yourself.

I know - popular culture changes the meaning of words on a daily basis. And I’m by far no grammatical expert, perfect in every way and flawless on the literary scene. But let me have these pet peeves. They’re a lazy effort at creating user-friendly buzzwords. They are catchphrases that give the misguided appearance of business guile. They’re frightfully wrong, and they’re becoming more pronounced and bothersome. Sometimes I think I might snap. My hate for them grows every day.

Or, I should say, I grow my hate for them every day.

Tags: Advertising and Marketing, Annoyances, Writing |

Comment

Spliced up

October 18, 2007


Today, I regress by going forward.

The story: over two years ago, I cut a trusted friend - a confidant, an informational marvel and a source of enjoyment for nearly all of my then 26 years on Earth.

I cancelled cable.

For lack of attention, really - we were simply not watching television very often, and when we did, it was total crap. We were tied to our cable like a noose, not enjoying a minute of it yet still allowing ourselves to be leached of life and, more specifically, part of our paycheck.

Two years passed and we rarely missed it. We read more books, watched more movies, enjoyed the free channels and found a new appreciation for network television - the big four that we had neglected in favor of shows like Newlyweds and The Osbournes.

I say rarely. I always felt a hole when it came to sports; I was forced to watch only the major sporting events, and oftentimes I did so while peering through a fit of white-noise snow and nausea inducing static lines. The reception always varied - sometimes clear, but never stable.

And we didn’t have PBS anymore. At least, not when we moved our television to its rightful place in the family room downstairs. We simply didn’t get the signal. It was nearly ironic - the one channel we paid for (through donations and membership to Public Broadcasting) we couldn’t actually see.

Our solution was to put an antenna on the roof. We called around, excited to gain another channel and, in the process, prepare ourselves for the HD revolution that would manifest itself the strongest over the airwaves. Of course, in true Murphy’s fashion, we were derailed by one number.

502. As in, $502. The number of dollars we’d have to pay to have an antenna mounted on the roof.

So the choice was simple. More channels. Clear picture. Lots of extra inside time through a combination of colder weather and new baby.

We’re getting cable again, baby! Bring it on!

It took us exactly a week to be upsold - not by the cable provider, but by our friends - to the digital DVR package. I refused to accept the offer over the phone while I was ordering it. But in watching the glories of pausing live television and recording the stuff I can’t make time to catch during the week, I was sold.

I used to think I was a strong member of the intelligencia – a person who didn’t need television to enjoy himself, a guy who struck out against the grain in defiance of the supposed necessities of cable network programming. But I’m not. Instead, I realize that it’s not about having cable or not having cable – it’s about watching it in moderation, not gluing yourself to the screen simply because you’re bored.

And in another somewhat ironic twist, it was the gold standard of stuffy intelligencia everywhere – PBS – that forced me to go back. My faux-pretentiousness is all ego-driven. My love for cable? It’s all real.

Yeah, I said it. I love cable. And now that we have it back, I can’t believe we ever lived without it.

I mean, seriously – what did we do with our time?

Tags: Television |

9 Comments

Nearly nowhere to go but up

October 17, 2007


Pacers = 29.
Well, it could be a long season.

I’ll post something about my beloved Pacers as the true beginning of the season looms closer, but until then, check out the current ESPN NBA Power Rankings. Mark Stein (along with his committee of one) has knocked the Pacers down to 29. The Timberwolves, who I followed while living in Minnesota - and for whom I still have a warm spot in my heart - are ranked just below them, at 30.

Both teams are lower than the Clippers. The Clippers - the NBA’s portrait of complete ineptitude, a team that has made the playoffs so rarely in its history that they have a special guaranteed time share in Cabo San Lucas throughout the month of May.

The Pacers have won their first three preseason games - rather convincingly, actually. But that’s preseason.

Let’s just hope that the two teams don’t swap spots. I’d hate to see the Pacers wallowing even lower than the Timberwolves.

It could be a long season.

Tags: Basketball, Indiana Pacers, Sports |

Comment

A book and a place

October 17, 2007


I read Tuesdays with Morrie while sitting outside of the Tower of London.

I had a reason. I had just flown in from the States and was set to meet Kerrie - who was already in London for study abroad - at Traitor’s Gate. It’s a short book, and I finished it while sitting on a bench, about 100 feet from the entrance.

I enjoyed the book. It’s against all critical examination of the book, but I actually enjoyed it. This was months before the Oprahfication of the book, months before the TV movie and years before Mitch Album began spitting out cash cow follow-ups in a trite attempt to stay relevant.

But was it the book I enjoyed? Or is it the memory of where I was when I read it?

Reading is an activity based in sight and strengthened by imagination and experience. Unless a reader is able to completely turn off everything, however, you’ll find that the other four senses want a piece of the action. While the eyes and brain are working at making the story come alive and soaking in the glory of the written word, the rest of the senses are jealous, seeking fulfillment, easily distracted.

It’s no wonder then that when a good book is paired with a great location - or, at least, a memorable location - the two are forever joined.

In Cold Blood was purchased at Shakespeare and Co. and was read while relaxing and waiting in Hyde Park and Heathrow Airport, respectively. Among the Thugs was read on a flight to and from New Orleans. A Year in Provence was read while camping, as was Tortilla Flat. The locations are just as much a part of my memories as the books themselves.

Sometimes it even helps the book along. I read Housekeeping over a series of nights while rocking Sierra to sleep. The glow of the night-light and the sleepy nature of the location brought a mysterious and sullen feel over a book that’s often bathed in darkness itself.

So yeah, I liked Tuesdays with Morrie. It was about a teacher, and I was currently going to school to be a teacher. It was about realizing what you have and how to live life without misgivings, and I was an emo kid who loved that sucker stuff. But more importantly, it was short. And it was read outside of one of London’s most famous monuments.

Next time you recommend a book that you just couldn’t put down, think about this. Was it the book you loved? Or the circumstances surrounding it?

Tags: Books, Literature, Travel |

2 Comments

Corey’s rules of order

October 15, 2007


My first official South Dakota Humanities Council board meeting occurred this past Saturday in Pierre.

It came and went without incident, actually - we talked about by-laws, approved some grants, etc. But I found myself a fish out of water, as maybe many of my fellow new board members did as well. I’m not extremely well versed in board decorum. I wasn’t sure how to dress - casual, nice or formal? I didn’t know if I needed to comment on everything or just what I felt moved to.

And I certainly didn’t know what I was doing in regards to Robert’s Rules of Order.

You know. Robert’s Rules of Order. Or, more accurately, Parliamentary Procedure. Yeas and Nays and Motions and Carries - enough familiar yet foreign words that it seems as though I’m talking about a football cheerleading troupe.

These Rules of Order, oh how they seem unnecessary. Yet, I understand their purpose as a backbone to a successfully organized meeting. Of course, they seem so constricting when conducting business in polite company.

When do kids learn parliamentary procedure? If I hadn’t been a resident adviser at St. Cloud State - where the hall counsel meetings are required to be conducted using parliamentary procedure - I’d have no clue about it. I’d be discussing when I was supposed to be motioning and all of that.

The funny thing is that I’m not alone. It seems as though several board members wanted to forge ahead, bristling against the grain of parliamentary procedure, attempting to change a motion or go back and revote when that time had already passed. It’s not a confusing set of rules, but it’s filled with rules I’ve never laid eyes on. And it’s filled with even more rules that no one follows.

I’m not sure if Robert’s Rules are an offshoot of parliamentary procedure or simply a more complex way to handle disputes in a meeting format. Regardless, I looked up some of the rules and found that, along with being exclamation point happy, they were incredibly anal and sometimes downright dictatorial; nearly ironic in its vehement language, using biting words to stop biting words.

• Obtain the floor (the right to speak) by being the first to stand when the person speaking has finished; state Mr./Madam Chairman. Raising your hand means nothing, and standing while another has the floor is out of order! Must be recognized by the Chair before speaking!
• Debate can not begin until the Chair has stated the motion or resolution and asked “are you ready for the question?” If no one rises, the chair calls for the vote!
• Before the motion is stated by the Chair (the question) members may suggest modification of the motion; the mover can modify as he pleases, or even withdraw the motion without consent of the seconder; if mover modifies, the seconder can withdraw the second.
• The “immediately pending question” is the last question stated by the Chair! Motion/Resolution - Amendment - Motion to Postpone
• The member moving the “immediately pending question” is entitled to preference to the floor!
• No member can speak twice to the same issue until everyone else wishing to speak has spoken to it once!
• All remarks must be directed to the Chair. Remarks must be courteous in language and deportment - avoid all personalities, never allude to others by name or to motives!
• The agenda and all committee reports are merely recommendations! When presented to the assembly and the question is stated, debate begins and changes occur!

Raising your hand? IT MEANS NOTHING, YOU FOOL!

I found myself wondering, is all this parliamentary procedure necessary all the time? And is there any way around it if it’s not? The answers: Yes - it’s necessary. No - there’s no way around it. Meetings need order, and even though the order might be as chaotic as a lack thereof. So even though you’ve probably never learned it, just go with the flow. You’ll pick it up soon enough. Or, you can pretend.

And, as a friend and former co-worker told me, if you venture out with a “second,” your name gets listed in the minutes, which you can then show to everyone you’d like as proof you were there and helping to make decisions. Which is why we’re on boards in the first place, right? To be seen?

What if the conversations in your head were conducted using parliamentary procedure?

Corey: The next item is voting on a color for our website.
Corey Two: I motion that we use maroon for the website color.
Corey Three: Second.
Corey: Any discussion?
Corey Four: Why maroon? Lame!
Corey Two: Because maroon is a universally accepted color of intelligence.
Corey Four: You’re making that up!
Corey Two: So I am. So what?
(Silence)
Corey: Any further discussion?
(Silence)
Corey: All in favor?
Corey Two and Corey Three: Aye.
Corey: Opposed
Corey Four: Nay.
Corey: Motion passes, two to one. Next item…

And that would be my brain. Repeating. Over and over again. Frightening.

Tags: Career |

Comment

Guitar Hero - the early years

October 12, 2007


It’s Sierra picture day again, and we’re showing off Dad’s favorite game - Guitar Hero.

Sierra Guitar Hero!

I’m eagerly awaiting the end of this month, when Sierra can sit and become as transfixed by the moving dots of Guitar Hero III as I will be. With any luck, she’ll take the game on in full stride, grabbing her first guitar-shaped controller at 5 and rocking out to Guitar Hero 7. Maybe she’ll grow up to be a metal singer or something.

On second thought, maybe not. Maybe this is a bad influence on her. I can already imagine her turning up her stereo in pure post-pubescent anger, blasting out some parent-hating diatribe while drowning her sorrows in the double kick drum of an obscure punk hardcore band.

Sierra, turn away. Maybe mom will let you listen to Baby Metallica again. At least with that, you don’t really know what you’re really getting.

Tags: Baby Pictures, Sierra |

1 Comment

Dunder Mifflin Paper

October 11, 2007


Dunder MifflinI’ve made no secret of the fact that I think The Office is some of the funniest television on television - not just today, but ever. I’m also a huge fan of a multimedia experience - especially something that takes the story usually confined to a 30-minute span and expands it into a pop culture phenomenon.

The Office has been brilliant with this stuff, featuring mini-episodes centered around the accountants and a bevy of real life products - real Dwight Schrute bobbleheads, Dunder Mifflin paper, business cards, etc. It all serves to bring a little bit of the experience to the consumer without being cheesy or superfluous.

So I’ve been tickled by the Dunder Mifflin company commercials that have been running during this season’s shows. And I was even more tickled to visit the website - dundermifflinpaper.biz. It’s a natural extension of the current episodes - the introduction of a company website, so in depth that there’s even a Dunder Mifflin Infinity section (which serves as the official Office community) through the “Careers” link on the main site.

The Office does more than bring clever writing and brilliantly dead pan comedy to the air waves. It backs it up with a full banal office life experience. And that, my friends, is why I love the show more than any show in the history of shows.

Tags: Random Links, Television |

5 Comments

← Previous Page — Next Page →